we woke up one morning
and fell a little further down
for sure is the valley of death
i open up my wallet
and it's full of blood
godspeed you black emperor! "dead flag blues"
that's about how i'm feeling right now. just too much happening. i'm not here...
this is one of the coolest things i've read in a long time. bravo, seriously. i disagree with everything it says but gosh is this funny and brave.
i. i think i am going to title my novella ambiguity in the mecca concept. basically it's about suburban teenage lifestyle, both the ho-hum apathy and the inexplicable extremes. putting it vaguely does not give it justice at all, but the nature of the story is confusion; why does he do that? etc. i will say no more and i will not post my character chart info online cos they reveal too much of the story.
ii. i know i'm supposed to philosophically love people, but they've been pissing me off lately. i don't know. i'm just very frustrated / stressed out and do not want to deal with anyone. but..
iii. i ran into sean bryant (8th grade y-file photo: "high-five") today. it was weird. he's a horny socialist punk rocker now. very cool guy. he spent 30 minutes macking on april. i found it amusing.
iv. why is it that ghetto kids on their porch have to mockingly say "hi!!" when i walk by silently and drudgingly in my suit and tie? it's more general than that tho. regardless of what i'm wearing or my mood, if i am walking by myself the smartasses will always say something. d00d. whatever.
v. i was thinking about the layout of next month's do not read and specifically 11/11 11:11:11 (dd/mm hh:mm:ss). then i thought about putting the seconds for all entries. but i realized, by the time i've read what second it is, it's another second when i write it down. so then i got to thinking, don't hold onto seconds cos they never last. so in sum, do not hold onto time because it waits for no one. just when you have time, you don't.
ok my dog pissed in my bed. tell me that's not fucked up. i kind of had it coming tho, since i gave him some milk in his water bowl. hey, he likes it. well not tonight i guess. tomorrow i will wake up sucking lemons.
does anyone else find it amusing that there's a movie coming out called drunken master?
waves come out
come in again
it's funny how in writing if you show that you like yourself you're haughty and if you criticize yourself you are self-depreciative.
environmentalists are exhausting. i used to think.
geena davis has her own sitcom on abc now. mmm geena davis. yum. old skool.
so here are the colleges i am applying to, as of today (ranked by my interest in them, top choices first):
|Dickinson||rural PA||Average reach||I really want to go there. Beautiful campus. Laid back. Not too far from DC.|
|La Salle||Philadelphia||Average reach||Has a cool art program that combines digital art with english and psychology.|
|University of Maryland,
|a mile away||Average reach||Massive school near my house (and DC). If I apply to the Honors Program, then it'll be a High reach.|
|Boston University||Boston||High reach||Boston kicks ass. This school also sounds awesome. And my mom and all my aunts and uncles went here at one point.|
|George Washington University||DC||High reach||A cool DC school I probably won't get into.|
|Fordham||NYC||Safety||A school focused on the things I am interested. It's in NYC and I can get in easy!|
|Lycoming||rural PA||Safety||I liked this school. Good campus, nice classes and extracurricular activities, just a bit too easy for me. The person who interviewed me even 2½ years ago saw that. She loved me so much she gave me a fee-waived application. If I don't get into the above, I will gladly go here.|
|Providence College||Providence, RI||Average reach||This is probably more of a safety school. I don't want to go here.|
|Goucher||Baltimore||Safety||They want to give me lots o' scholarships. Baltimore sucks, but obviously it's near DC.|
|University of New Hampshire||Durham, NH||Safety||I really liked the campus and the scenery is great. Sadly, it's in NH.|
|Drexel||Philadelphia||Safety||Pro's: It's in Philly and I can apply for free online. Con's: It's more or less a tech school - 30% study engineering, 30% business, 30% physical sciences. Yawn.|
i am the thief
i am the thief
i am the thief
my small white bichon frise fears not of large killer dogs but is frightened instead by little kitty cats. i think it is because at eye level he can see the ferocity of their eyes. what a beautiful metaphor this is. to spell it out, i am referring to the fears that we, the common people, have in life - violence, disease, bills - but the apathy we have towards the larger and scarier beasts - those being political and corporate superpowers. we fear the gun but not the shooter.
so today in art class this peculiar italian outcast is sitting next to me, both of us sketching. i ask him if he likes mccain (he's a republican) and he gives me a weird look and pause, then says yes. later he asks me if the houses we're forced to sketch are subsidized living. so i said no, they're just dc houses. and he gives me a really strange look. so i tell him, what do you want me to say? they're not subsidized. after a minute he says, you don't have many friends do you? so jokingly i concur, then this kid goes on in total seriousness as to why (my personality). it was out there. this guy has no sense of humor ever, total stiff. so anyway after he goes on about it i then say, whatever and then i say i do of course have friends. then he asks me if they're "tv friends" (???). so i just kind of ignore it till we're back in the art trailer alone and he brings it up again. so after i convince him that he really has no grounds to base this statement on, he says flat out "i don't have any friends" and he meant it. it was bizarre to the max, but touching at the same time. in sum, it was an experience.
yay, warp records us distribution starting at the end of the month. woo hoo!
there has got to be a god. look at how intricate life is and how wonderful things turn out. it's great. oddity is beautiful and spectacular, the spice of life that makes you happy to be alive. indeed there is marvel and elegance in the familiar and commonplace as well: these are the cogs in a delicate system that keep the world chirping. life is not a machine or a demon, but a captious and unpredictable soup of interactivity that consistently surprises, amuses, and challenges the open minded.
i would like to say thank you to the chocolate goliath, the schoolgirl, and the ten speed bike.
i know this veers into the territory of "i could've read that elsewhere", but i just wanted to share that the phenomenal kid a debuted at #1 across the world, including the united states where it sold an impressive 200,000 copies. i love hearing about a good cd selling well. same with how the fragile debuted at #1 last september. also cool radiohead news, their NYC show will have the amazing handsome boy modeling school (automator & prince paul; ironically i finally received my copy of that album yesterday) as the opening act,
the toronto show is rumored to feature the massive godspeed you black
emperor! godspeed, radiohead. godspeed.
yea. so i realized today that i am living as 4 different people. at or around:
1) school: extremely closed off (alienated / introverted), cold and serious. the biggest farce of them all. sadly this has has influenced the other "persons."
2) my mom: very closed off and kind of spiteful. i usually downright refuse to converse with her. i'm not very nice, but i'm not all that bad either.
3) a few friends: much warmer and have interesting ideas to share. basically, i speak. this is the fun one. still a diminished version from what i was before coming to st. anselm's (and some other stuff that happened).
4) ...and there's this "howisya" character who is simply testosterone embodied. it's sick. he's usually a total asshole, an antagonist to the extreme. he's also a cynical jokester. and often he's romeo the insatiable conqueror. a very fun experiment in psychology. this is a good cure for boredom, but being "howisya" has its negative effects on the whole.
i'm going to college soon. and even if i don't, i'll be done with school and my mom is moving several states away next summer or fall. i look forward to burying personas one and two for good. this is called growing up. it's a form of stability and maturity. i can't wait.
i just woke up from a 12 hour sleep. the first thing i asked was "is this morning or night?". i had reason for concern; the two nights prior i had a total of less than 8 hours sleep - combined.
anyway, i had this weird dream that was like a computer game. basically, there were 5 people (real people, not animated characters); i just remember myself, homer simpson, a generally unattractive female my age, and someone who fit the loose criteria of a classmate. so basically the game involved running around in snow caves and snowy mountains. but get this. the scary part is that blocking out paths are combination polar bears / brontosauruses that lie horizontally across the path and you have to find some way to jump over the animal's tail or go underneath him without being bitten (cos if you're bitten, you're dead). it was really quite a scary animal. pure white, long tail, ugly head with snapping teeth. anyway i had the high score, although i think i ended up dying (in the game, as i made comments about dying) a couple minutes before i woke up. it was difficult cos you had to keep running the whole time, as not to let other players pass you. i checked the score on a piece of paper on the wall. as i said, i was in the lead. last place was jasmin with the "PhD" ranking of 2 stars (it was actually 3, so i added the 3rd one with a pen or pencil).
the dream i had before that was UN related apparently. you know how when there's a fire in the city there's a mob of people just watching? well it was kind of the same way here, although in this case it was a one story building whose front structure was slowly tumbling. basically though someone said that if we could get 11 or 13 people there to hold it up, it'd be fine. so i went up there and caught the front layer as it toppled down. i held it up for like 10 minutes. no one helped me. anyway eventually i was able to somehow fix it, and i went in the building. it was a really clean buildings with lots of different rooms, like a little school. i went into one room and saw all these chairs, trinkets, toys, UN papers, and stuff. there was a tv that was on, apparently having been on for a few hours. (ironically, i fell asleep on the couch, and my tv was on for about 12 hours, as it was on when i woke up. although maybe my mom turned it off at midnight and back on again when she came downstairs after waking up.) so anyway, pissed off that i had to hold up that structure myself, i threw a bunch of chairs around the room, breaking stuff. it rocked.
the dream i had before that, i was driving by myself down route 1 / baltimore ave. in hyattsville (or is it riverdale?). i was going to dunkin' donuts for a donut. well inside it was actually a gas station set up, so whatever. i went to the little glass case with the donuts in them and picked up one chocolate donut and started eating it. soon i had eaten half of it and wondered if i should go pay for it or just eat the rest of it (free, i figured!) and get a second one, which would be expensive to me. so i ended up picking up a donut on the bottom of the shelf and trying to eat the rest of the first donut in the checkout line. but there wasn't much of a line, and the guy saw me eating the donut. he was an asian guy, like 22 years old, and before i got up there he was talking about sports with his fat redneck buddy who was a couple years younger than him. so the asian guy rang up the total ($1.80), didn't say anything about the 2/3 eaten donut, but did say this about the other donut: "you don't want this, it doesn't work." when he pointed to the other donut i had, it turned out it was a stack of gatorade bubble gum pouches underneath a small box of astral glide (astral glide being anal lubricant). i was pretty shocked.
i don't remember too many details about the first dream. it's the ordeal that drove me hungry/stressed enough to want those donuts. but somehow i was in a big room talking to some pretty cool people who were apparently some kind of cult. i think we were at a long conference table the whole time. i am talking to this very attractive black haired woman and happen to mention the fact that katie holmes goes to columbia university. and she finds that interesting, and whispers it to a quiet fat guy. well he blows up and gets everyone's attention and yells out what he just learned. i feel sheepish since it was just a cocktail party fact, i didn't think it was a big deal. but the guy took it really seriously, and when i didn't have any more specific information, he got really mad at me and punished me (i forget how). he was a big jerk.
i'm lost at sea
don't bother me
i've lost my way
i've lost my way
remember back in may when i was complaining about my summer would suck? well, it didn't. remember how i said i'd be kicked out of school for it? i wasn't. but today, october the 4th, after being in school for than a month, i am told that if i don't make up both semesters of pre-calculus last year that i will not graduate this year. ironically, i currently have a B+ in calculus (an ap course (un)officially).
kid a is excellent, as was to be expected.
borrowed from sarah downs's page:
celebrities who attend columbia university:
when you're on icq, sometimes random people add you. a 14 year old girl named *G@NdÈr* added me today. this is what her info says about herself:
unprecedented 3rd entry for the day.. wow. well i just wanted to further remind myself to check out some joy divison soundalike indie band 90 day men and the local college park band wintermute. they were good. kid a in less than 48 hours, i can hardly stand it. i'm not here.
so i don't forget:
1) dream a: my mom is in the driver's seat of our car and i am in the back seat, far right. however, i am driving, as the steering wheel in front of the driver's seat is elastic and i pull it to where i am sitting. the only problem is i can't see where i am driving because of the passenger's side chair blocking my view of the windshield. so i drove on a very busy highway near a commercial development with not much vision.
2) dream b: i was walking my dog past the house of this old shut-in lady named mrs. finn. i often let my dog poop there on the curb, but not this time - just walking past. well anyway she comes out the door screaming and demanding that i pick up some of my dog's poop that is practically in the middle of the yard, by her porch. of course i wouldn't let frankie poop on her yard, and even if i wanted to, there's a gate. so anyway she kept telling me to pick it up, and i explained that he didn't do anything there, and i offered to pick up something that was on the curb, where he would sometimes poop. anyway there was nothing of his, so i picked up some other dog's big round dry crusty poop balls. it was bizarre.
3) scratched plans: tenleytown - artomatic (hechinger's building), girl on the bridge (outer circle "knife prty")
i am very immersed in the story i am writing. i can't really call it a short story anymore. i have enough notes to write a solid 100 page story now, rather than the originally estimated 50. should be good. i'll put up some character notes online, but the full story won't be up till i've finished it. it's hard to get the whole thing out of my mind. it's a bit of a menace since i have other things to do, but at least i'm actually into an idea. well, i have a lot of ideas i'm into right now but this one especially interests me. i'm a good writer, i know this, but it's been so long since i've felt the desire to write fiction. i'm proud of the plot, characters and style i have invented and look forward to writing this story.