(Lyrics: T. Christensen, R. Hill)

Preface (by Travis):
I'm not really sure who struck first, Russell or I. If my memory serves me correctly, one day in AP Biology class Russell said a couple times "If you ain't mating, you're masturbating." This is his typical humor (mine's equally weird, if you can't tell by the lyrics below). Anyway, I countered with "Well, what about babies?" This elicited a bit of cringing on Russell's part, but it was funny, not to mention an intriguing question. If you've been around babies before, you know they do like to touch themselves a lot. Isn't this masturbation, kind of? Sure, it's puerile, natural, and a result of curiosity; then again, most psychologists would agree that so is one's initial conscious try at masturbation. As far as technicalities go, male infants don't even have balls, really. They don't drop for years; I forget exactly what age. And certainly they're not truly out there looking to have sex with people. But it's still a humorous concept and an interesting scientific theory (the masturbation part). The more we got into the meaning of the song, the more Russell kind of switched it toward mutual masturbation (if I've inferred correctly). So essentially this song, in its first part (note how the tone changes in the second part), is about babies being sexually attractive and demanding females to masturbate them in place of intercourse. Makes sense to me. Anyway, don't be offended, this whole thing is a joke. We're entirely against pedophilia. We started to feel a little awkward about the song so we decided in the second half to flip it, making a stance against masturbating babies. So there ya go.

Russell and I are both big fans of rap, and music in general. We both have "special" senses of humor. It was inevitable that we would write a rap song together. I think he figured out that I had hip-hop lyric writing ability from my IRC quotes page, which is full of my online impromptu rap lyrics. I hope to write more songs with Russell in the future and we definitely both hope to record the actual song "MB Babies". Our opinions as to how the beat will go have continually changed. Personally, I have a good sense of how my verses and the chorus will flow vocally, but that may also change when I actually record the parts. For the music I intend to work with the ReBirth drum machine module, samples arranged with Acid Pro software, my early '90s keyboard, and my bass guitar (when I finally buy it). I may also play acoustic guitar and trumpet if the track seems to desire it. I know Russell will be working with samples and probably the same drum machine software as me, I don't know if he plays any other instruments. The music, like the lyrics, will both be cooperative. My bet is we will release the music on mp3.com, but we'll see how things go. This is our first collaboration and the first song I've fully finished. (I've written dozens if not hundreds of spare lyrics but never a complete song, so I am really excited about "MB Babies".)

Anyway, I'll get to the lyrics shortly. First I'd like to just add that in subsequent biology classes we've toyed with additional ideas for this track. We thought they may end up in the song (and they still might, who knows), but it's more likely now that they'll be part of a remix. It's not very likely they'll be new songs, unless we get really bored. We saw a science video with dinosaurs, and the animators opted not to draw them genitalia. I think this prompted us both to wonder if male dinosaurs even had dicks, and if so, did they masturbate? Hence "MB Dinosaurs." I don't know which is worse, them or babies... probably babies. The next week we saw a video with bees, and we saw how they kill enemy insects approaching their hive. In a massive gangbang (where sex is replaced with violence) they vibrate their wings together, the force of dozens of bees' physical assault literally demolishing the intruder bug. So "MB Bumblebees, we gettin all the honeys", I added.

The following are the lyrics. My verses have been annotated when I feel that it'd be difficult for someone to understand the reference or phrase even after reading this preface and understanding hip-hop style. Russell's lyrics have been left as is. (Update: As you can see, he added his own notes.) I've left my punctuation (i.e.: leaving out several apostrophes in verbs, not using too many commas and no periods) as is because that is how I like it. When you see a small superscript numeral (such as 1) written at the end of a line, that means there is a footnote for you to go to at the very end of the page. When you see { } brackets, this indicates that something non-lyrical is being done, such as a musical sound effect or beat change. Enjoy. =)

Preface (by Russell):
Here’s my side of this “wonderful” story. Some day in January 2001 in an AP Biology class the teacher showed the class a film on evolution. Somehow the topic of masturbation came up. I don’t know how it came up. Maybe someone told a joke. I think
I started with the MB (to disguise masturbation) mainly because talking about masturbation in front of a female teacher is not the best thing to do.

From what I remember MB was just repeated a couple of times. Travis said. “What about the babies?” Well not only is this thought sick, but also it sounded good with MB. (Say it couple of times: MB Babies…MB Babies)  Then my mind searched for something to rhyme it with. I eventually came up with,  “we getting all the ladies”. Somehow my thoughts shifted to something a person in my group told at this Teen Conference in 2000. He asked me if I had a girlfriend, and I told him that I did not. He looked at me and said, “you must be jacking off and looking at porn all the time.”  That’s when I came up with,

“If you ain’t mating, you must be masturbating.”
Catchy and strikingly true.
(admit it.)

This catchy phrase and MB babies was repeated over and over again. We twisted it and turned it a few times in our heads. Then the thought came. “Let’s make this a song.” Travis said.  I thought Travis was joking initially, but discovered how serious he was when he sent me the lyrics via AOL Instant messenger.  Now this is when you go to Travis’s IRC quotes web pages. Look at some of the stuff he “free-styled” on the IRC site. Interesting stuff isn’t it.  “Now its your turn to type something.” I did and that is currently verse one. Read the footnotes for info about things in the song.

(Note: Russell's footnotes are in green.)

[Verse 1 - Russell]
MBing ladies
Those MBing ladies in my Mercedes
When you open my door
They be lying on my floor1

MBing ladies
Nothing like MBing babies
I like to go for the {baby crying sound}
Instead of the {porn women scream!}2
Placing their hands down low is where
They got to go
As they stroke it
  Bloat it
Won't avoid it3
Sort of like that faggot demonstrator
When he crossed the line..4

Maybe the demonstrator was a masturbator
Wasn't like those MBing babies in my Mercedes5

Hands in their pussies
Hands on each other tushies
Then to their pussies

[Chorus - Travis]
MB Babies, we gettin all the ladies1
Doing it now, no if’s, when?’s, or maybes
Because if you ain’t matin, you must be masturbatin
Young infants discovering themselves, ain’t no mistaking

[Verse 2 - Travis]
So gimme the honeys with big asses2
And teenage girls with black horn-rimmed glasses3
  Ladies, don’t pass this
19 inches, 800 grams the mass is4
Look where the rash is5
We MB babies, we gettin all the ladies
Two young pimps, fogies can’t fade these6
  Mature young boys
Sometimes we revert to toys
Our livelihood being to MB
But when all that comes is pee7
  Well, that never matter
On top of her it’ll splatter
Along with tears, sweat, and blood
If we were cows, we might spit our cud
Thereby I offer you the chance to be stricken with the deepest perturbation
Just partake in viewing infant masturbation
Cos it’s MB till it’s over
So watch out, little Red Rover
And when you hear this diabolical rhyme
Give an MB baby a dime8
Or we’ll interact
Those mating get jacked9
It’s best to get wacked
While viewing a mommy that’s racked10
For real

[Verse 3 - Russell]
I'm through with MBing babies
I'll stick to MBing the ladies
How did I get those thoughts6
And what's with these hairy palms?
Too much jacking off the priest said7
Better shave it off or the sex life will be dead.
I experienced dread, now they’re scars8
This calls for alms for my once rosy palms.

A few months later, and the scars have healed
For once in my life the playa in me will be revealed

Oh shit
The ladies {female voice says “Pervert!”}
They say saw me MBing babies
Now won't get no ladies9
Don't want to MB babies
So maybe…
  I'll start MBing doggies,
Possibly froggies and doggies10
Maybe even ladies who aren't ladies11
Cause babies aren't the thing any more12
MBing babies makes the soul more poor.13
MBing myself (I heard)
May ruin my health (Lie!)
But screw my health
I'll MB myself.

[Verse 4 - Travis]
Yo, godspeed, I be slayin black emperors11
While you kids stay masturbatin dinosaurs12
  My style never get old
Chopped Freudian rhymes is bold13
And I’m rollin and controllin the beat with reverb and delay14{temporary reverb and delay switches in the beat}
Avoiding common lyrics demeaning one who’s gay15
I love you too, it’s a beautiful day16
Let’s run into the forest and hug a tree
60 million acres now saved because of me17
Now anywhere you want you can pee
But watch out for the babies, them duns18 is mad
Developing Social Anxiety Disorder, abbreviated S.A.D.19
It’s just too bad
They need to develop solid and healthy relationships
Instead of thinking about women giving them inflation20, shit,
Why they so sick?
The months they’ve lived is only six21
They have tiny dicks
What’s the fun in that?
So on a chair I sat,
Leaned over, reached into the crib,
And said “Quit being such a frisky, weird, disgusting little kid!”

[Chorus - Travis]
MB Babies, we gettin all the ladies
Doing it now, no if’s, when?’s, or maybes
Because if you ain’t matin, you must be masturbatin
Young infants discovering themselves, ain’t no mistaking

1 These are thoughts I came up to deviate from MBing babies. Ironically, the lyrics still click if you think of ladies or babies..

2 I’m the opposite actually. Some of you guys on the other hand….

3 Slyly tried to deviate from theme of MBing babies to MB babes. (The ladies)

4 There was a demonstration in Washington. A retarded demonstrator dove in front of a jeep and almost got squashed by it. I bet these were the words coming out of the driver’s mouth.

5 Demonstrator- Masturbator good….Don’t have the Mercedes though… could do without the babies.

6 How did we come up with this song?

7 I thought about this anime movie, Junk Boy at sputnik7.com. The guy in the movie talked about how he loved jacking off to this porn star.

8 Has anyone shaved a palm before? This is the only possible result. Wait! Has anyone had hairy palms?

9 If you ever MBed babies, people will find out.

10 Tried to switch to Travis’ MB dinos theme. MB and Dinos don’t sound good together, so doggies and froggies took its place. Speaking of MBing Dinos: In every drawing or depiction of Dinosaurs I’ve ever seen, there has never been a depiction of a dinosaur with a penis or a vagina. Russell’s Dino extinction theory: Basically, they weren’t happy and couldn’t reproduce. (Can’t be happy without one of the two. Some people like both.) Maybe they will depict Dinos with penises in JP3.

11 No I’ll stick to the ladies who actually are ladies.

12 Never were.

13 Yes it does.

1 The phrase that started the song, courtesy Russell.

2 A direct quote of a DMX song, I forget which. The only other song I borrowed from instead of just referencing it. I don't feel like I "ripped off" the song at all; anyone who listens to hip-hop knows that rappers do this all the time, always as a sign of appreciation of the source artist. DMX used to be great (first album; his newer stuff is "ok"), so this is me giving my "propz."

3 Hey, we all like different things in the opposite sex...

4 This is my best guess as to the height and weight of the average baby.

5 Babies get rashes all over, it's one of their trademarks I suppose. You don't hear much about rashes being sexy, do you? So this is kind of switching things around, making a rash attractive rather than embarrassing. It's also a sign of the protagonist MB baby's infancy.

6 A lot of people know that the older guy, younger girl thing is one of my least favorite parts about our society. It's not so much that it's "sick", but just annoying to deal with. If I wanted to go out with some 18 year old girl, she's in all likelihood already dating some 22 year old guy. Or if I were 15 and wanted to date someone my own age, she's probably going out with an 18 year old. Like Sagat would say, "Man, funk dat!". Anyway, this lyric is me flipping things around, making babies attractive to grown women and teenage girls. Pretty cool, eh?

7 Because babies have undeveloped testicles, they do not yet produce semen. So - and this is a theory here because I have not and do not want to see a baby being sexual - I am assuming that instead of ejaculating semen they would produce urine. Sick, I know.

Possibly a reference to a male baby gigolo? I don't know, but originally I had written "lime", which makes less sense.

9 Again, originally I was inclined to believe that Russell's phrase (facetiously) implied the superiority of those masturbating themselves to those enjoying coitus with others. So, working with this concept, I wrote in this dynamite dis of those who are out there hooking up. I'm definitely leaving it in, even with the apparent new meaning of Russell's phrase, because I love how I ended this verse. And when I say "jacked" I don't mean that as synonymous for "jacked off", but in the violent sense common to rap songs; think "hi-jacked."

10 When I say mommy I am differentiating between normal women and women who have kids. If you're familiar with the psychology surrounding the Oedipus complex, you'll know that according to some people, infants and even small children have a "thing" for their own mothers. This is one thing I am implying here. The other is more direct. Women who have newborn babies have larger breasts because their bodies are biologically ready to breastfeed them. So this is the attraction the MB baby has here.

11 When I first thought of this opening lyric (this verse all came to me at once, it was great) I was directly referencing one of my favorite bands, Godspeed You Black Emperor!. I thought it'd be so cool to reference them in a song of such a different nature. This is in all likelihood the first hip-hop song to ever namecheck that band. Also, boasting is a huge part of hip-hop and this is an interesting boast. When I reviewed what I had written, I realized how else that lyric could be taken. Some may consider it racist. It's not racist at all, but now I have accepted another meaning to the lyric, and it is race related. I love hip-hop. I think all of the greatest rappers have been black, and with the exception of Eminem, all of my favorite emcees are black. What I am implying here is that I, an 18 year old white boy who has never written a full song before this one, am more skilled than a lot of black rappers out there. This is a black artform; when the expression "hip-hop" was coined, its creators deemed it "a black thing you wouldn't understand." But now that it's gone mainstream, there are white people like me who do understand it. And, if you look at what's popular now, there seem to be black people that don't understand it. There's a lot of fake, terrible hip-hop out there that are true abominations to the creative culture. So anyway, this lyric is not me putting down black people or black rappers, but putting down famous well-paid black rappers  ("emperors") who don't appreciate, understand, or emulate their own artform. I am not saying that I represent white people or white rappers; I think most white rappers out there are boring, not skilled, and understand hip-hop just as poorly as, if not worse than,  the aforementioned "fake" black rappers. This is another one of my favorite lines in the song.

12 I figured we'd have a verse in between the 2nd and 3rd verses talking about masturbating dinosaurs, but we've abandoned the idea.

13 A reference to my irreverent comments and jokes relating to sexuality and vast knowledge of sexually deviant practices (not that I participate in them!).

14 Technical terms: reverb is a techno styled stutter, delay is when you set up the drum machine to delay and then quickly execute beat.

15 I'm not homophobic or anti-homosexual and I believe they should have more rights than they have now. In my rap songs I'm going to try not to use the word "fag" because even though I use it facetiously (and as making fun of people who truly mean it), a lot of people don't catch on to the subtle humor and/or they're offended by the usage.  I wrote this line before Russell turned in his lyrics (you'll notice one line has "faggot"). Oh well, I don't mind at all what he writes, it's a major part of hip-hop lyrics and always has been. In all actuality, I probably can't avoid it long. We'll also see how "nigga" goes, because I am ardently against racism but I know that it's still taboo for caucasians to use that word. To me, I see a big difference between that word and the n-word. In all hip-hop songs that word is synonymous with "guy", and that's how I think of it. Just talking about people in general. Hopefully the difference in pronunciation of the second syllable of the word will defeat any references to racist thought. You may notice that in Dr. Dre's "What's The Difference?" (off 2001), he calls Eminem his "nigga"; in Zach de la Rocha's guest rap in Roni Size/Reprazent's "Centre of the Storm", Zach, who is latino, uses the word "nigga" in the sense that African-American rappers use it. So this is a good start. But anyway, I'll have to think about it. For now, I won't use it. [2004 update: I just remembered writing this years ago and I think very differently now.]

16 Anyone who's listened to the radio in the last few months should get this reference. It's very subtle in plain text, but when spoken it's more obvious. I am namechecking U2 ("you too") and their single "Beautiful Day". Contextually I am expressing my compassion for homosexuals, as I am not prejudiced against any race, culture, sexual preference, whatever. And I hope some day soon we can all feel this way. Even if you do think homosexuality is gross or unnatural, they're still people, and you have to respect the common nature of humanity. A beautiful day, indeed.

17 I am alluding to January 5th, 2001, when President Clinton finally signed the Interior Appropriations Bill, declaring nearly 60 million acres of National Forests protected by law from private lumbering practices. I worked to get citizen awareness and sponsorship of this from May to August 2000. You're welcome.

18  "Duns" is a phrase that is really uncommon and it's never been a part of my vocabulary. The only group I've ever known to use it is Mobb Deep. It's synonymous with "kids."

19 Technically, S.A.D. commonly stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder. But I like my erroneous guess better.

20 I really wanted to use the phrase "felation", but apparently that's not a word. Felatio is what I am thinking of, but that doesn't rhyme at all. So when I say "inflation" I mean oral inflation of the penis. Thank you.

21 Reversing the song's declaration that babies are worthy of being MB'd. They're far too young.

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