ADVENTURE IN UGANDA
Chapter 1: A Weird Offer.
"Dr. Christensen, I heard you are studying the great
drum", a shabby business man asks me.
I reply "Yes, Mr. Golgotha, it is an old Ugandan
drum."
"Interesting. Maybe I may help you."
"How?"
"I have a round trip first class ticket to Olaf,
Uganda."
"And why would you want me to help me?"
Mr. Golgotha pauses for a moment and replies "I
won them and I do not know what to do with the tickets."
Deep in my mind, I had my doubts; this has happened
to me before but I take the tickets regardless. Mr.Golgotha leaves
and gets into his Mercedes and drives away.
Chapter 2: Departure 2:00
My plane leaves at 2:00 PM so I decided to arrive
at the airport at 1:00 PM just to check it out. I find nothing very
peculiar
except for two things.
1. A gold limousine is parked outside of my plane.
2. A co-pilot called "Stinky George."
I first focus my thoughts on the limo. The license plate reads
"RICHES." The driver's name is Lawrence Tero. I have heard
that name before. I try to remember but fail miserably. I ask
who owns the limo and the driver says, "No comment." Another man
escorts me back to the main terminal. The time is 1:45 PM and I get
on the plane. I take seat number A11 and settle down. It was
not long before the captain said "Next Stop....DOOM!"
Chapter 3: Breakout
I became alarmed. Suddenly 10 or 11 men jump on my lap. Somehow I wrestle my way out of the onslaught. One man was dressed in a yellow and black vest. I recognize him from the Mortal Kombat Video game and side step to another seat. Scorpion shot some sort of harpoon that broke through the door. Since we were maybe a hundred miles up Scorpion and about six other men were sucked out the door. I took advantage of the situation and ran to the cockpit.
Chapter 4: Takin' Control
I knocked out the pilot and co-pilot and took the
airplane's controls. I saw a bright fuchsia button and pushed it.
My seat
began to move and rumble. A nearby clock toned deeply eleven
times. But it is only 3:00 PM. My seat starts to sink deeply
into the floor and four men begin knocking on the cockpits door. My
seat fell underneath the plane. The bottom of the plane was plated
in GOLD!
Chapter 5: An Unpleasant Time
As soon as I noticed it, an airborne limousine, yes,
that one, flies near my chair. The plane that was above me explodes
and
many items fly toward me including a hot pitcher of capachino, a dining
tray, and a parachute. I grab the parachute and fling it
on. Meanwhile people in the Gold Limo are throwing darts at me.
Now I know who Lawrence Tero is, a champion dart thrower.
Chapter 6: Landing, Landing, Landing in a landfill
I somehow duck from all the darts, except one that
landed in my lower pelvic area. That was the one that knocked me
off my flying seat. Not knowing where in the world I would land,
I pulled my zip cord and the parachute pops out.
It took me about five minutes to finally land.
I landed in a suburb of Olaf, Uganda. I picked up already used tissues,
and
pickled pork rib bones off of me and started my short journey to Olaf
on foot.
Chapter 7: LOOOOOOK at the Sheck's Dog!
On my way, I had almost no trouble getting there. There was one chiwawa they called Sheck's Dog who was hanging on my leg. I tried to shake it off my leg but to no avail. I just ignored it and kept on walking. The citizens yelled at me saying Chooooof ta sle Sheck's Dog! (Look at the Sheck's Dog.) They laughed and then proceeded with their simple-minded work. I don't know what was so special about this Sheck's Dog but I was growing quite fond of him. .
Chapter 8: Do You Love Me To?
As I was walking I saw a TV Store. The news was on and I heard of a bazaar cult back in "The States." Barney was taking over the children of America. They were killing every adult they could find. I sigh to myself thinking it's another one of those crazy made-up news stories I guess. I think about it for awhile while I was walking. I rush to the nearby phone and call my best friend Drew Casey. Someone picks up the phone. I pause and then talk.All I hear is that perverted Barney song. I cuss perfusely and then hang up. I seek the nearest hotel, tears flowing down my face, and find a cheap room. I bury my head in the pillows and cry myself to sleep.
Chapter 9: The Next Morning
I woke up at 6:00 AM. Do you know how I know? It
was one of these stupid radio alarm clocks. I woke up to the Ugandan
version of "Big Girls Don't Cry." I put on my slippers and went down
stairs to breakfast; yes, without my clothes! Not knowing I ordered
green eggs and chicken meat. People stared at me from all directions.
Suddenly I realize "I have no clothes on!"
I jolt my arm while I stand up from my chair knocking
down my eggs. I walk on my eggs and they squish all over same old
ugly snobbish lady. Not minding, I run up to my room and lock it
tight.
Chapter 10: The Daily Planet
I really wanted to leave. But I just couldn't.
Besides Velociraptor Television was on. " Terone" (the velociraptor)
reaches for the door and ..."Here is an important announcement from
President Ima Knut ." I reach for the knob and turn it.
"It is now time for me to get dressed and get steppin'." 1:00
PM check out time. I pick up my luggage and open the door and
someone throws a newspaper at me. "The Daily Planet: Naked Foolishness!"
I have no time for this stuff. I shove it in my
inside pocket and walk towards the checkout counter.
Chapter 11: My Journey Continues
I steal, ya sorry 11GHB7, a red convertible and speed
away.
"What the? ...Something hit my tire." Blam. Blam.
I know what that was." I push my foot harder (by the way, Sheck's Dog got
off my leg) and I look at the odometer 100 MPH. I somehow lose the
Blue Ferrari and enter Olaf.
Chapter 12: Grand Entrance
I drive past the welcoming sign and pull up to an
old General Store. I think to myself "I might as well get some souvenirs
to
prove I've been to this nuttso country." I walk in and an old
man greets me. Sheck's Dog jumps back on my leg with that silly
look of his. Immediately look at the wooden vases. I took the
one for $11.00 and turn my attention to a package of 11 silver
balls. I take it even though it looks well.. tacky. My
total is $16.00 and I give him three fives and a one dollar bill to him.
With one of those fake-o smiles, the General Store clerk said "Have
a nice day, young man."
Chapter 13: Finale
I walk out the door and Mr. Golgotha hands me the
Great Drum! I try to thank, kill and understand him but he tells
me to stop. "One at a time sir."
Sheck's Dog jumped off me and runs westward.
I ask Mr. Golgotha "I thought you were trying to kill me?"
He laughs "No. Why would I want to do that? I won't
kill you.. Not!"
Right then, an atomic bomb goes off and blows the
country to pieces.
Epilogue
Sheck's Dog got on a house boat that was going to
America. He arrived in New York City at about 11:00 pm. A 7-year-old child
showed the cute dog to Barney's lair.On immediate sighting Sheck's Dog
pounced on "The Beast of Purple's" mask revealing his true identity...
Dan Quayle! All the children scurried to the last available adults there
were and stayed with them forever.
(editor's notes, 1999:
This is the original story, I only corrected the formatting from DOS
Word Perfect to html. Some notes on characters:
Lawrence Tero is the real name of Mr. T;
Sheck's Dog is my slick way of saying "sex dog";
Christensen is of course my last name... "Dakota" came later;
That whole Barney the Dinosaur thing was based on a great story I read
called "Day of the Barney".)