Goodbye St. Anselm's! Some memorable quotes. Do not read if you can't look back at the past and laugh! Compiled by Travis with the assistance of Matt Lauer.
"I can't wait to shoot some Abbey boys." Peter Young on a planned paintball outing
"I thought it was called the lips!" Chris Hill
"If I didn't know what you're talking about I'd be so confused right now!" Chris Hill
"[slurp] It helps." Davis
"I think the hardest people to kill are the ones that are still alive." Rahul
“They don’t take grades seriously, they think everything’s a joke, and they think smoking is good because it kills you!” Fr. Peter on French people
"Next Thursday is Good Friday, and there's a lady's convention for men only, and it's entirely free so you pay at the door, pull out a chair and sit on the floor." Fr. Peter in 7th grade Earth Science class
"FOX -- 'F' is for failure, 'O' is for zero, and 'X' is for expulsion!" Fr. Peter
"Is this more of that psyence fiction / boys vs. girls music?" Niraj
"Juvey!" Niraj
“I wanna knife a cat.” Chris Haresign
"Stop throwing donuts at me!" Mrs. T
"Brendan! Get back here, Brendan!" BroMo calling after Nate as he quickly flees the library following mischief
“Many civilizations have died!” Nate fouling up James Snyder’s paper
“But I was open!” Nate
“I said something barely intelligent.” Nate
“It may do more harm then good.” Nate’s infallible US Politics paper
"Why don't you come say that to my face?" Nate to Peter before the infamous slapfest
"Pizza treat!" a St. Anselm's parent
"Señor Norman, you have a Norman!" Sra. Glanden
"Yesterday I was in Columbia. [Class starts making jokes.] No, Columbia, Maryland!" Sra. Glanden
“There are gremlins in the ceiling!” Spanish class 96-97
"¿Qué pagina?" Spanish class 98-99
"Sliiiiiiiiiimer!!!!!" Spanish class 98-99
“Slimmer.” Nate writing on the chalkboard
“Shake your face.” Sra. Arene
“No mo‘ Boh.” Sra. Arene
“Salty gargles!” Sra. Arene
“I’m telling Father Peter.” Dan
“Andy’s a homosexual.” Dan
“Faaaaaast!” Dan on the outcome of a physics equation
“Respeeect me.” Dan
“I just found out for the first time today that people are calling me Sliiiimer.” Dan
“Quiet, you!” Dan
"If you destroy me, I'll destroy you." “Doctor” Jacobs offers counsel to Nate
“I am a mother.” “Doctor” Jacobs
“This is a violence.” “Doctor” Jacobs
"This is mine class!” “Doctor” Jacobs
“Faggots get the lobster claw!” Paul in Pablo mode
“Paul is a woman.” Jed and a couple other kids in the 8th grade
"This rooster has claws!" Jed on James Snyder
"Beasta!" Jed & Matt Santy before "beasting" (poking) James in the belly
"Parse that beast!" Jed
"Are there many monkeys in Russia?" Matt Santy to a Russian guest speaker in Spanish class
"He sits with his feet in the toilet!" Cumali on one of the three-year-olds' bathroom habits
"Travis, look at Tami. Look at that girl. She's beautiful. Like an actress. As long as she doesn't get fat, she is going to be hot when she grows up." Cumali on a two-year-old girl
“Alls you have to do is…” Mrs. Rentas
“Zero sympathy, zero tolerance!” Mrs. Campbell
"Mater has nothing to do with 'mattress', except maybe where you started out." Mrs. Colvin to her disgusted 8th grade class
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Dr. Reed
“Don’t be a humanities major. It’s useless.” Dr. Reed offering college advice
“Giotto.” Dr. Reed
"The whole 'goth' movement has that mixture of eroticism and creepiness." [Dennis the school handyman turns his head around] Mr. Vaile
"You can't have everything - where would you put it?" Mr. Mann
“You wear moccasins? Where you from?” Stephen
“I’m a black belt, baby!” a middle schooler
"Give it a suck." Roland offering a fruit drink
“So take a look at my poOoOoster!” Roland
“I had a dream. It was white and creamy. [Student body erupts with laughter and shock.] No, wait! I mean the Sixth Form bake sale!” Ronnie Pearson making an announcement
"I'm queer!" Johnny Shepherd responding to my singing Josie Cotton's '80s radio hit "Johnny, Are You Queer?"
"Queer thang." Christian
"Oh Chuck Chuck!" Christian
"Chris Hill, chill, chill, chup!" Christian
“How many speeds?” Christian
“MC! Lights!” Christian
"Bend over and lift up your nutsack." Christian in a low, muttering voice reading a magazine article
“MC! Do the voice!” Christian
"The Tongue in five orgasmic speeds!" me doing "the voice," reading a Rolling Stone backpage ad
"Paul has gout." me
“Man-gina!“ me
“Ladyfingers.“ me
“Me gusta comer el gato veces.” me
"Sorry, Ade, I didn't mean to throw a 'bow at you..." me apologizing for elbowing Ade in the eye when he was right behind me
"James and George are going off to Macintouch each other." me whenever George & James Snyder abruptly left the table
"I'm hungry! Fetus!" me taunting Paul Martin Foss (fetus = "feed us")
"Have a good evening." typical exchange between Matt Lauer & myself
"Let's leave." Matt Lauer
"James Snyder exposes the Mac." Matt Lauer
"Nick's page o' sappy French erotica." Matt Lauer
"Matt's nude Capitals page." me
"One in seven people die in a car crash - every day." Ms. DeLuca
"Sex is great! The Catholic church says not having a healthy sex life in marriage is grounds for annulment." Ms. DeLuca
"Baaaaby DeLuuuuca." me parodying the old Raffi song "Baby Beluga"
"VO FO PO MO FO" Paul Martin Foss's campaign slogan
"Walk much?" a student to Mr. Morse after he trips over his stool
"I'm crazy as fuck." Mr. Morse to Mr. Fusco (supposedly)
"Geeeeeeentlemeeeeeeeennnnn, pleeeeeease!!!" Ms. Waitkus
"Short people got no reason to live!" Jimmy (I think) to Ms. Waitkus
"Cravis! How's Oglethorpe Street? ...And secret agent Downs?" Mr. Hernandez, in a funny old man voice
“Kevin, go frolic.” Mr. Hernandez
"It's a G thing." Mr. Montroll aka Nandor
“Nananana…” Nandor’s class
“Don’t touch me, Niraj!” Kevin Southerland
“Unnnhh!” Kevin Southerland speaks up in Calculus class
“O-dez.” Andrew Belton
“Trumpy lives.” Billy
"This is complete academic rape!" James McHale to Hans, in reference to midterm exams
“Tipton sat on the remote.” James McHale
"The turtle has surfaced!" James McHale to Nate in reference to his 8th grade bowl cut
"Boh!" everyone to Nate (Boh was a Toyet Boh derivative, itself a derivative of Toilet Bowl)
“Checkmate!” Kiantar’s comment on Tim’s execution of an insult capitalizing on Nate not being accepted into any colleges
“If you took, like, a bag of poop and wrote ‘Japanese’ on it, Nick would like it.” Kiantar explains to his mother Nick’s supposed Asian fetish
“Heads are gonna roll for this one!” Pat Walsh
“We’re gonna stop having kids and start having dogs!” Mrs. Whitesel
“I’m done. I’m done. I’m done.” Ms. Leahy
"You know, women's hymen have been often known to break while riding horses." Ms. Leahy explains a scene in All The Pretty Horses
“Yes, I am going home and I have crabs.” Ms. Leahy plays along with James McHale’s and Cole’s game
"Kevin Walsh, you are the Lord Of Cock." Cole & James McHale
"That's you just stupid." James Snyder misspeaks
"I don't even wanna know!" James Snyder
"Dry cleaning tag!" Andy Plunket to Mr. McLaren
"Go give him a hug." Mr. McLaren
"Snotty booger juices!" Mr. McLaren
"Hot snot!" Mr. McLaren
“Oh my! Shut your mouth!” Elric
"Fail the class! Kill yourself!" Elric & I parodying a Mystikal song using Dr. Wood's Physics class as the basis
“I hope that’s yours and not mine.” Dr. Wood when a calculator hits the floor
“Degrees bad! Radians good!” Dr. Wood
“Those of you in the middle get to class, those of you on the sides, stay seated.” Hans
"Hands!" everyone making fun of Hans' name
"Gentlemen! Index cards!" Mr. Achilles
"What?!? Doesn't it look like a penis with a smiley face?" Mr. Achilles, when describing his chalkboard drawing of Maine that included a smiley face
"Wanna play house?" Mr. Parsons
"We'll be collecting funds for the syphillis walk..." Matt Brooks at Kairos, impersonating Ms. DeLuca
"Foolish child! You are not a chemist!" Mrs. Lewis
"Hey now, gentlemen." Mrs. Lewis
"I said no! Blah!" Chris Malone
"I HM GOO." gazebo graffiti
"WHY ARE YOU LOOKING UP HERE?" gazebo graffiti
Me: "Are you going to learn any other computer languages like C++ or Pascal?" Adam Roush: "I'm going to learn Pascal, right after I master BASIC." Me (suppressing laughter): "Do you like to master BASIC when your sister is in the room?" Adam Roush: "Sometimes."